Love, Lies, and Learning: A 20-Something's Dating Diary
Dating in your 20s. Did you skip a heartbeat just reading that sentence? Did you immediately think about all those horrid bumble date stories that after a few weeks went on a blink? Then, this blog is for you.
As a woman in her 20s, well let me rephrase it to; as a clueless, validation-seeking, confused woman in her 20s, I too have had my fair share of dating disasters, mishaps, and heartbreaks. Now that I have uninstalled all the dating apps on my phone for the 4th time since this year has started only to get lonely enough to install them again, I realized that I need to do some mental rewiring.
The word dating has always been an enigma for me. What is ‘dating’? When a guy used to ask me out on a date, I used to feel these butterflies suddenly appear in my stomach that were somehow responsible for my increased heart rate and my flushed cheeks. I used to feel a spark going off in me at the thought of inching closer to finding a companion, or dare I say ‘soulmate’?
But now, the phrase “let’s go out on a date” feels nothing short of a solo adventure in the woods filled with moths, scary nights, and wild animals. It feels like a mission, a duty or even a conquest for that matter. It comes as an enigma that only the most privileged souls can crack. Gone are those days when I used to be excited to meet men, explore relationships and build connections. Men seem somewhat scary now. My mind immediately goes into its overthinking pit and starts to paint these men like monsters, leeches or even blood sucking vampires. Only here, my mind makes me believe that these vampires are thirsty for unhinged physical connections and afraid of not garlics but commitment.
So, like a normal 20 something year old, what do I do? I freak out. Quite literally. The thoughts in my mind start running at an uncontrollable speed resulting in me running away from my problems. Oh no, 20s is not the age to learn how to become a grown up and deal with things in a patient and mature way. It’s the age to run wild and free in the fields of uncertainty and see where we eventually land up.
As a result, with every heartbreak and failed date, I started locking my feelings in a ditch and ran around the world directionless. I convinced myself that I am a precious little princess and that these monsters are only here to eat me alive. With every “This isn’t working out” and “maybe we should see other people”, I start coating my heart with a layer of titanium. It makes me feel powerful, it makes me feel protected to say “I am strong enough to sustain on my own. I don’t need to date. The one that is meant for me will come to me when the time is right.” (As if God doesn’t have better things to do but to curate the man of my dreams for me.)
Feels empowering, isn’t it? Not really.
You see, the human mind is a magician. While it has the capacity to create beautiful things like the Taj Mahal, Times Square or plastic surgery, it also has the power to deceive you. And I hate to break it to you, but often, it does deceive you.
Recently, a guy reached out to me because he saw my picture on my sister’s phone. If I say so myself, it was love at first sight for him. Why wouldn’t it be? I am a princess after all, aren’t I? We started talking and he pulled all the right strings to boost my ego. He called me day and night and we talked on the phone for hours. I was convinced that God had finally finished curating my dream man and has sent him directly to me. Just as I had imagined. But, if it would have worked out, I wouldn’t be writing this blog now, would I? It was only after getting ghosted by my dream man that I actually sat down instead of running around again and started thinking.
It brought me back to my initial question. What is ‘dating?’. Is it just meeting random people until you eventually feel a ‘spark?’ That’s when I came to know that there are different types of dating. Why didn’t they teach us this in school? For example, in the initial days, one should wait at least 30 minutes before replying to a text, to not sound desperate. But don’t reply too late, or you’ll seem uninterested. Give out only a certain level of information, as much as the person in front of you can fathom. After all, you don’t want to overwhelm them with your existence. But keep showing cute, calculated acts of affection. Eventually, if you play the cards right, they will fall in love, and you will get your cute love story to tell at social gatherings.
As I was sitting there thinking, I found myself in a full-fledged conversation with my mind where we went back and forth with our assumptions, possibilities and circumstances. That’s when it hit me. All this while when I was talking to my mind, let’s call her Foolisha, I realized that she isn’t all that smart. In fact, she is extremely flaky. Every time I brought out a new possibility in front of her, she gave me 10 different scenarios to justify that thought. The only ‘person’ that I thought was looking out for my well being turned out to be a flaky, backstabbing clueless nut.
But I can’t get rid of Foolisha. In weird ways, we need each other. I really think she needs my help. She is smart, she is innovative and extremely strong, but she is also delusional. I told her all these things that concerned me, and she initially got offended. She started getting defensive and started throwing tantrums. She likes to call them panic attacks for effect.
I realized that she needs me more than I need her. While she is my constant companion, she lives in me because if left wild and free, she can get lost.
With all these jumping thoughts, I decided to go for a walk to help her calm down. Which she did eventually, thank God. We started laying almost a mental map of my dating history and started decoding it. That’s when I realized that these seemingly vampire looking men, were just men. And these adventurous dates were just two human beings along with their clueless minds meeting up for a cup of coffee. I never really gave anything enough thought before meeting a person and claiming them to be my soulmate without taking their consent? I never really thought about it, but while emotions and feelings are key for our well-being, figuring out and prioritizing our needs and wants to understand which emotions to focus on is just as important for getting by. This ensures that while you understand your needs and emotions, you also respect them. And when you start respecting your needs and emotions, you start prioritizing experiences that serve those needs.
Think about it, if you want to fall in love and find a steady life partner, and the person that you meet is just looking for a casual fling, would you get heartbroken by their lack of commitment or focus on finding someone that gives you that experience?
This is exactly where Foolisha and I need to work together. I tell her my dreams, aspirations, needs and priorities, and she tells me if they are being met or not. When they are not being met, and when she freaks out, I tell her to shut up, take her on a walk and redirect her thought process.
Princesses were never born just to find a prince. They were meant to take over a kingdom and eventually find a prince who will stand by them in that conquest. I am still the same woman in my 20s, venturing out into the dating world. But this time, instead of clueless, I am aware, instead of confused I am precise, and instead of seeking validation, I am seeking love.
-Brown and Indian
